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Love the Chub

Sunday, November 27, 2005

2:41AM - I love him....but only on my own

Okay, so for once this is not a weight related post. I'm posting because i feel shitty, and lonely, and tired. I am tired of being alone. I'm tired of not letting people in. I'm tired of forming ridiculous attachments and then being crushed when they crumble. Really, this is a ben post. I recognize the pattern i know what im doing to myself, its just going to be noah all over again. i can feel it, and as much as tried to protect myself from it i can feel it happening, and i just feel completely pissed off about it.im really mad at myself for letting this happen AGAIN for letting my emotions get out of control and my expectations become too high. the whole ben thing doesnt make sense. i know that. he knows that. we all know that. we are so fundamentally different its just a train wreck waiting to happen. but here's the thing i never get to have the trainwreck. i have these stupid "psuedo" relationships and im sick of it. there is absolutely no fun in this emotional sensationalized bullshit. i think i do this because i feel like this is the closest i will ever get to a real relationship. but you know what? im worth more. im worth a real relationhsip. im worth a real relationship with real drama, not a pseudo realationship with made up bullshit so that i can feel like i have something when we all know full well that i dont. here is the truth: ben is my friend who lives in north carolina, he's a cool guy, and we may occasionally see eachother, the end. there will be no fairytale, no falling in love, no bells, no whistles, nothing. and i will need to learn to be ok with that. this is not worth it the drama is not worth it. i get to have my own life now. the end.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

8:36PM - 6:58 Do you know where your Spark Is ?

I was just reading my only other entry in this journal, and I must say I was honestly impressed. My thoughts were so clear, and if I do say so myself, pretty well articulated. It's funny because what I wrote in this journal 7 months ago, still holds true today. I was going to write in this journal, because I am having an especially difficult time with body image today. Although I think it goes deeper than just feeling fat (duh!) I have a lot going on right now, emotionally, spirtually and phsyically, and I think that venting my frustration and confusion through bad body thoughts is the best way I know how to deal with it. Right now I am just tired and worn out, its been a good year, full of growth and triumph, but now I just feel exhausted. I am also about to embark on yet another transition. In five weeks I will no longer have a full time job, and I am terrified of what I will do with myself. My fears are that I will be lonely, and isolated. I am really tired of dealing with those emotions. It's been an entire year of second guessing myself, and to be honest the woulda, shoulda, coulda's are just getting old. The same thing goes with my weight and my body suppose. I think that deep down I know what's right for myself and right now I am doing the right thing and treating my body the right way. I really have learned that if I listen to my heart, and trust in God (hokey I know...but SO true) I am usally able to make the right decision. But I am scared, I HATE transitons, but I guess life is full of them. I think if I really listen to my heart, its telling me to stay to wait it out, and try and find a job here this summer. I think that going to a camp to work would just be running away from my problems and my emotions. If i stay though I guess it will have to be under some kind of condition. One being that I take voice lessons, it is something that I have really been meaning to do, but I just havent gotten around to it. Also I really want to work on confronting myself, and seeing myself for who I am, head on, I am tired of running for myself. I honestly think, that its an important part of my journey to be able to look at myself honestly and lovingly. I wish I could say that I am alright with this weight, but its not true, I would love to be a size 14 again, but I'm not sure that will happen. I know i need to face the inevitable, to look at myself in pictures, and to weigh myself, but I am afraid. Emotionally I am spent and exhausted. So I will go, I know this journal entry isnt as pretty or well worded as the previous one, but it is more honest, more raw, more me.

Sunday, October 31, 2004

3:51PM - Welcome back...

Okay so im finally back. It's really crazy reading the entries that I wrote just 6 months ago. So much has changed. So here I am finally living in New Orleans trying to make it....trying to survive on my my own which has definitely not been easy. For some reason when I moved down here I thought it was going to be all creole food and bourbon street, I failed to remember that I would be embarking on a new career and new profession. That it isnt all beignets and mardi gras, it's laundry, and fixing the car, and late nights preparing lesson plans, and loneliness in a city where I am all alone.

Unfortunatley the insecurity fairy has crept up on me again and lately ive been feeling very down on myself. Could be because my weight is steadily creeping up. But also I am working with a fat co-worker who I HATE and i think that I am projecting a lot of my hatred about her into her body size. The kids confuse us and she really reminds of me which scares the FUCK out of me. I just have this sense of panic and tension that all the sudden I am too too fat and my life is ruined if i dont do something now......pant pant....but then reason sets in. I try to remember that i ALWAYS have felt this way whether at a size 12 or size 22 I have always felt insecure that I dont see the truth in myself. Or maybe it's that I'm scared to face the truth I don't know. Now once again I'm embarking on a "I just wanna be healthy" kick...which is all well and good at the begginning. But unfortunately for me the "I just wanna be healthy" soon turns into I just need to drop a size....which is NEVER good for me. I really think the older I get the more I am beginning to understand that weight is an issue that will be with me forever, it's incredible complex and complicated. I think this explains why formally fat positive people like Carnie Wilson and Camryn Manhiem can all the sudden lose weight. I used to feel a sense of sadness when I celebrity loses weight, but now I am beginning ot understand where they are coming from. Maybe they aren't necessarily selling out, maybe they are doing what is right for them.

Speaking for me, I think that I need to start losing some weight, not a whole lot but I dont feel comfortable right now. Or maybe I just need a lifestyle change, I dont know, I guess I will play it by ear and I can do that, because I have the right to change my mind I am human being. Life is constantly moving and flowing, and it isnt stagnant and neither am I. I think I have now come to the place where I am confident enough to say I dont know where I'm going...but that's okay. I am a fat person, yes and this is the choice that I have made and I will live with the consequences of that choice. Just like I skipped a year of school and I am teacher both choices I made but the important thing is that they are MY choices. I am damn proud of myself for that. The word that I have really been focusing on this year is courage and what it means to me. In fact I often have a little mental monologue with myself whenever I am feeling insecure. I will always start off sayinb "Courage is....." and then I fill in the blank.I think that right now for me Courage is taking responsiblity for my classwork, and doing the excercise classes that I want to do, and really appreciating my body. Courage for me is reactivating my livejournal account. It's standing up for who I am, fighting against the stares, looks, and comments, it's looking out for MY own happiness, and really LISTIENING to myself. It's being real with those around me and not shutting myself off from opportunities. TRUE COURAGE IS BEING MYSELF.

Current mood: determined